


ten thousand relatives

by DreamBrother



Series: mālama [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Ohana, Post-Episode: s10e22 Aloha (Goodbye), it's not crack because this is Steve "Chore Wheel" McGarrett we're talking about, series finale fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23548522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamBrother/pseuds/DreamBrother
Summary: Before Steve leaves, he ensures his ohana have all they need to take care of Danny. This includes a very detailed list of rules.Spoilers for Season 10; a fix-it for the series finale (sort of).
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Series: mālama [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764082
Comments: 127
Kudos: 497





	ten thousand relatives

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Rules for Martin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/391523) by [errantcomment](https://archiveofourown.org/users/errantcomment/pseuds/errantcomment). 



> Look guys, I don't know what to tell you. All I know is that I watched '10 Things I Hate About You' last night, went to bed, woke up with this in my head. 
> 
> It reminded me of a Cabin Pressure fic I read years ago, so mentioning it in the inspired by section, just in case.
> 
> This can be seen as a very light hearted fix-it for the finale. If you read this and think nah, Steve would never do this. I have two words for you: Chore Wheel.

_"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives"_  
Euripides

  
Twenty minutes after Steve McGarrett leaves the house to begin his journey of finding 'peace', the phones of all members of Five-O gathered in his living room beep to denote an incoming email, with all frowning at the subject title. With Cole having departed a few minutes after Steve, and Danny still outside though with Eddie for company, all the intended recipients bring up the email on their personal device and begin reading.

 **From:** McGarrettS@fiveo.gov  
**To:** GroverL@fiveo.gov; NoshimuriA@fiveo.gov; ReiT@fiveo.gov; ReignsJ@fiveo.gov; LiuQ@fiveo.gov; NoelaniCunha@oahumedical.org;  
**CC:** Kamekona@shrimplove.com   
**Subject:** Danny - do not let him read this!!! 

Hey guys,

So I know you will all look out for each other whilst I'm away, but you and I both know Danny will need some special handling so to make it easier, I've written some key rules down which if you all follow, should mean the least heartache and drama for everyone involved. Please read the following carefully. 

  1. Do not let Danny find out this list exists.
  2. Read #1 again. I'm serious, it won't be pretty if he finds out. For you or for me. Or for Oahu.
  3. Read this list in full at least twice. Refresh your knowledge every three days. Maybe memorise it and then delete this email to prevent #1. 
  4. Do not discuss this list with fellow recipients of this list.
    1. However, if this list must be discussed, for whatever reason, you need to agree on a non-suspicious code name
    2. Maybe refer to the list as the Dallas Cowboys, and Danny as Dak Prescott because if he hears you discussing either, he will spend half an hour telling you why they're a terrible team/overhyped quarterback that he won't notice anything else
    3. Or even better, I can be herewith referred to as BD (benevolent dictator) and Danny as BC (beloved curmudgeon)
  5. Do not share this list with anyone outside of the recipients of this email.
  6. If you think some rules should be added to this list, please consult me first and I will consider it, and send an amended list if your recommendation is approved. 
  7. Do not let Danny move out of my house.
    1. If he tries to leave, call me
  8. Do not let Danny leave Five-O.
    1. If he tries to leave, call me
  9. Do not let Danny leave Oahu
    1. If he tries to leave, call me immediately
    2. Unless he is visiting Grace at college, in which case just text me
    3. Unless he takes Charlie with him to visit Grace, in which case call me immediately
  10. Someone should drive/accompany Danny to all follow up doctor's appointments and PT sessions.
    1. I've created a rota for this which I've attached to this email, and left a printed copy on each of your desks. 
    2. I've also attached the dates and times of his follow up appointments and PT sessions
    3. If he misses any sessions, text me
  11. Do not let Danny spend two evenings in a row alone in the house, especially if there are no pressing cases.
    1. If none of the team are available, call Kamekona
  12. Do not let Danny be alone for both days of a non-Charlie weekend, especially if there are no pressing cases.
    1. If none of the team are available, call Kamekona
  13. If Danny is involved in a case involving kids, text me throughout.
    1. Do not leave Danny alone at any point if there is a case involving kids
    2. Especially when he is interrogating a suspect
  14. Surprise Danny with malasadas and coco puffs regularly.
    1. Don't let Danny eat his body weight in sugary things
    2. This means you all need to coordinate (I can create and send a rota for this if you need it)
  15. Invite Danny for dinner or drinks (once he is off his meds) and games night regularly so he gets out of the house.
  16. If Rachel is causing him trouble, text me.
  17. If it looks like he might get back together with Rachel, call me immediately.
  18. If Charlie or Grace are in trouble, call me immediately, don't assume I already know.
  19. To be on the safe side, never assume I know there is something wrong. Just call or text me.
  20. If he starts dating anyone, email me a report - I want a full background check on the person.
    1. You may remotely supervise any dates only if you are sure Danny won't catch you
  21. If he starts bringing a person he is dating to ohana hangouts, call me immediately.
  22. If he rants about me, text me.
  23. If he hasn't mentioned me to you two days in a row, text me.
  24. If he doesn't mention me to any of you at all, call me immediately.
  25. If it seems he is worried about me, text me.
  26. If it seems he is worried about his kids, call me.
  27. If any of his family visit, text me.
  28. If he mentions/brings up any of the following in conversation, text me:
    1. Matthew Williams
    2. Marco Reyes
    3. Rick Petersen 
    4. Colombia (the country)
    5. Grace Tilwell
    6. Meka Hanamoa
  29. You must not ask him about anything in the above mentioned list.
  30. If Danny seems more down than usual and looks like he needs cheering up, attempt some of the following:
    1. Organise a poker night. You don't need to let him win, he will beat you regardless.
    2. Text the words 'raging bull' to Grace - it's our code word, she will call him immediately under false pretences
    3. Talk about your plans to visit the east coast during your next vacation, and ask Danny for recommendations for restaurants in NYC/Jersey
    4. Compliment his car/driving/hair/detective skills but don't lie - be sincere
    5. Talk shit about me (within reason) in his presence so he can join in (it's his love language for me)
    6. Bring him some of that red jello with the whipped cream on top (if doing this, #14.1 and #14.2 applies here as well) 
    7. If none of the above seem to be working, call me 
  31. Use the Danny Fund to pay for some of the stuff mentioned above
    1. It's in the tin of dried pineapple chunks at the back of the top most shelf in the cupboard above the coffee machine. 
  32. Once Danny is allowed coffee again, keep him plied with coffee. Think of this as unofficial rule #2. 
    1. #14.1 and #14.2 applies here as well
    2. Switch to decaf if giving him coffee after 2pm, for the love of God. 
  33. Keep track of Daiyu Mei and her accomplices in prison.
  34. Text me with updates regarding the Dauyi Mei trial, especially if Danny is called forward as a witness
    1. I will need 24 hours notice to be back for the trial
    2. I will need a bit longer if you think it's better for Danny that something happens to prevent a trial from taking place
  35. Last but not least, DO NOT let Danny go anywhere without back-up.
    1. Seriously. Tackle him (carefully), tie him up (no shackles), and then FaceTime me if he even thinks about it.



I reserve the right to amend, alter, and add to the list as and when I see fit. Go back and read rule number one again. Look after each other, keep Danny safe. 

I'll see you guys soon.

Steve

_This e-mail communication and any attachments may contain confidential and privileged information for the use of the designated recipient(s) above. If you are not the intended recipient(s), you are hereby notified that you received this communication in error and that any review, disclosure, dissemination, distribution or copying of it or its contents is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and deleting it from your computer. Thank you._

The recipients of the email gathered in the living room all finish reading the list of rules at different times. Noelani, being the first to finish after years of training in medical school at skim reading long texts whilst retaining all essential information, has to press her fist against her mouth to prevent her making any sounds and disrupting the others as they finish reading the email. Adam is next, followed by Junior, Tani and Quinn with Lou bringing up the rear because he has ignored Renee's suggestions so far to get his eyes checked. They all carefully avoid making eye contact with each other. 

Lou sighs, and shakes his head. As de facto leader of Five-O with McGarrett gone and Danny on medical leave, he feels it his duty to start the proceedings, reaching for the pad of paper and pen on the coffee table before him.

"Alright, guys, I'm putting down ten bucks, McGarrett will be back here mother-henning Danny by this weekend. Adam?"

"Twenty bucks, tomorrow." 

"Noelani?"

"Thirty, three days."

"Junior?"

"I'll go in with Neolani. And Kamekona just texted, he wants forty bucks on the day after tomorrow if no-one's grabbed that yet."

"Tell him it's all his. Tani?"

"Fifty, he'll get off the plane before it even leaves."

"Ooh, I'm gonna go in with Tani on that one," piped up Quinn, reaching forward and fist-bumping Tani. 

"Okay then. I'll text Chin and Kono, they'll want in on this as well."

"I'll text Jerry and Max."

"Okay, got it." Lou replies as he finishes scribbling down everyone's bets. "I'll write this all up later and email it to everyone so we know who has got which day. Adam, everything set?"

"Yes. Junior, help me get the drinks out the car?"

"Sure thing. The non-alcoholic stuff for Danny is already in a cooler in my room. Tani, you need help setting up the grill?"

"Nah, Quinn's a pro, I'll grab the meat and sides from my truck and put them in the fridge. Noelani, any update from Secret Weapon?"

"Her flight got in an hour ago. Rachel just texted to say they're just waiting for her bags, she should be able to drop Grace and Charlie off by the time the food's ready."

"Great," Lou says as he slaps his thighs and stands up with a groan. "I'll go keep our boy company until then."

Ten minutes later, Tani brings a beer out to Quinn who is firing up the grill. They barely have time to turn their heads at the sound of the front door slamming open before a six-foot plaid clad figure runs past them towards the shoreline like his ass is on fire.

"Damn it," Quinn mutters as she takes a sip. "Who had money on Steve not even getting to the airport?"

Tani sighs. "Grace. Girl just won enough beer money for a whole semester."

Adam, Noelani and Junior join them at the grill and all together, they watch as Steve hauls Danny up into the biggest bear hug he can risk with Danny's injuries as the sound of Lou laughing his head off and Eddie barking like mad as he dances around his two favourite humans floats up to the lanai. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that was as fun for you guys to read as it was for me to write it! I'm on tumblr as dreambrother89 if you fancy prompting me for any ficlets (I'm bored). 
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos are much appreciated. Feel free to suggest your own rules! Maybe I can do a Danny list of rules for Steve... Oh dear.


End file.
